To My Son On The Subject Of Consent

My dear son,

I am writing to you now when I am confident and unashamed. I'm a little worried that when I am older I will be embarrassed to discuss this with you and rest back on having "raised you right." This is important, though.

Right now, before you were born, there are a lot of stories in the news about date and acquaintance rape. Two young, drunk people. She's too drunk to consent. He's too drunk to recognize that. But it's like driving. If you were sober you would never drive in that state but you're drunk and making bad decisions. (I am overly simplifying this, of course.)

I can't expect perfection from you. You may find yourself in a situation where you've been drinking and things are getting heavy with a girl. Stop. Look her dead in the eye and ask her, yes or no, if she wants to have sex. If she can't focus her eyes enough to meet yours or is incapable of clearly saying yes then you need to stop. You are not a rapist.

Be the gentleman I have raised you to be and guide her to somewhere safe to sleep it off. Don't dump her on a doorstep or abandon her where someone with bad intentions may find her.

At this point you may be rolling your eyes at me like I'm a crazy person. We've talked about sex! You know it's not a trivial thing you do with someone you hardly know. We're active church members! You don't binge drink! So use this knowledge to look out for your friends.

If you're at a party and see a friend, who's been drinking, with a girl clearly incapable of consent, get him out of that situation. You are his friend and "cock block" or not you can't let him commit a felony. (Yeah. I'm also a little shocked that I just said that to you.) Don't let anyone try to confuse you, you're looking out for his best interests. You wouldn't let him drunkenly rob a bank or kill a man so don't let him drunkenly become a rapist.

This should be a simple issue. Incapable of saying no isn't the same as yes. Making a bad decision and having too much to drink does not mean a girl deserves to be raped.

I love you. I want good things for you and hope this helps you make good choices.

Sincerely,
Mom

PS - Clean your room.

I currently have no children and no immediate plans to have any.

What Is My Favorite Woody Allen Movie?

Like so many others I recently read An Open Letter From Dylan Farrow. My heart ached for her! Here was a young woman who'd never asked for the spotlight reminding us to consider the artist behind the art. It was a great moral question and one I appreciate her asking of me. How can I, as a good person, enjoy something created by someone who's done something morally repugnant?

Then the internet blew up. Twitter accounts, comments sections, blogs, everywhere I looked people talking about how they knew he was definitely guilty (occasionally throwing in a charming anti-Semitic comment for effect) or how Mia Farrow is a loon who coached and brainwashed Dylan who is now looking for a paycheck. Yikes!

Now, I claim no special knowledge on this case. Some of the uncontested facts make Allen look like an unbelievable pervert, though. He maintains his innocence, and I will not be grabbing a torch or pitchfork any time soon. I also won't be asking him to babysit.

After awhile I noticed something interesting. People continually prefaced Dylan's name with the words "adopted daughter." It reminded me of The Royal Tenenbaums. (Please, Wes Anderson, don't do terrible things that make me question my love of your films.) "This is my adopted daughter Margot." 

I'm gonna go ahead and speak for Mia Farrow here and say that Dylan is her daughter. She adopted her so that she would be her daughter. I wonder why it is continually mentioned. As an adopted child is she considered, somehow, more or less reliable? Is it more acceptable to molest an adopted child?

What's more, adoption is not an easy thing.  You can accidentally get pregnant but you can't accidentally adopt. It even makes me wonder how (I'm going to use a kind term that even his great defenders would agree with) an odd bird like Allen was approved? I can only assume that Mia Farrow passes psychological and home studies with such ease that anyone she decides to adopt with is passed on her strength.

I guess my pro-Mia stance is revealed. It's true! I think Mia Farrow is a tremendous child advocate. She's gone through difficult international adoptions to rescue special needs children from inhumane conditions.  I'll admit I think it's unlikely she ever coached a child to say anything that would traumatize that child.

I need to reveal something else here. I am a younger sister. I have firm memories, that seem as real to me as they can be, that either factual evidence or a good witness have contradicted. They were just stories my sister told me. It is absolutely possible that something similar happened to Dylan. Her father was already so massively inappropriate with her (asking her to suck his thumb) it would probably have made it easier.

So, Dylan, this is what I know and don't know. I imagine it is only more difficult for those who knew him socially before or met him later without hearing your story in full.

What is my favorite Woody Allen movie? Annie Hall. It's a great movie. I'm sure the more recent movies are good but I haven't been able to watch his movies for years. There's a lot of moral ambiguity.